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2018 has actually been a year where I’ve noticed a huge amount of growth in myself, unfortunately not height-wise *forever stuck at 5’3* but with my confidence. I’ve found myself doing things I wouldn’t have done before, wearing clothes I’d of once felt I wasn’t pretty enough to wear, speaking to new people and feeling more confident in myself as a whole. This for me is a huge win, from making new friends, staying at my job for 18 months, trying new styles of clothing and even wearing colour, going out more with friends and even feeling like my social skills are somewhat improving.
For me, since I can remember I have always been afraid, afraid of just about everything. Leaving my mum at the school gate, to doing my work experience in year 10. To leave my hometown and visit anywhere else. Going to pubs, clubs and even blogger events. I even have a phobia of most foods, including the texture of meat and anything that has seeds.
Growing up, I always knew I was different. I found it hard to make friends, and I didn’t know how to act around new people. Doing sports at school made me scared in case I would fall, and it wasn’t the phobia of falling and hurting myself, it was the phobia of what people would do, would they laugh? would they act like didn’t happen or would they come and help me. I would forever play out each of the scenarios in my head and it consumed my life. Despite having various types of therapy, I wasn’t ever sure how to overcome my struggles.
I would write stories, and I always would be the shy girl, the underdog who just needed her chance to shine, and it felt like this was me my entire life growing up. I would want to be one of the ‘popular’ people and always fell short. I forever dreamed of being an author, I would spend hours of my time, drafting all of these stories, especially after reading book after book where the uncool girl became the one everyone wanted to be friends with.
Being different for me in my teenage years was something I found hard, I wanted to belong somewhere where I wasn’t alone. I tried to change myself so much but it wasn’t the answer, even as an adult up until recently, I thought I needed to fit in. 2018, has been the year where I’ve stopped caring what people think of me, I am that girl who has bright coloured hair, a yellow raincoat on and the brightest doc martens. Weirdly, now after hating who I am for the majority of my life, I feel somewhat more confident in who I have become.
There are people everywhere, and I wish I had understood this growing up. The people who are around you now, are unlikely to be around forever. Things change, people change and the world changes. Some friendships last, sadly others don’t. You learn who your real friends are and those who aren’t. You only need to live for you, and that’s the huge thing in life a lot of people don’t realise, myself included.
Learning, that living with a mental illness doesn’t make me any less worth happiness, and that my moods are something that sometimes I cannot control. I didn’t choose this illness, in fact, it chose me. I come with my quirks but that’s just what makes me, well yano, me.
My goals for 2019 are to work on my confidence even further, this includes facing the things that make me ‘hate’ myself, as opposed to loving myself. Keep making steps in the right direction and continue being me.
