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This post is completely random and I hadn’t planned to post it, it just happened. I usually stick to my schedule pretty well with posts written out up to a month in advance but I felt like this was something I needed to get out there and I feel like sharing it today. So some of you may speak to me on Twitter, I’m known for the Share Love hashtag by a lot of you, which I love. I am the happy one who makes everyone else smile, and I love that so much feels like I am finally doing some good within the world. So my post title what is it like living with an invisible illness, it’s no secret that I am suffering from Mental Illness like a quarter of the population every year. In case you haven’t read my previous posts outline my struggles with mental health, I have anxiety and PTSD.
In 2015 having a Mental Illness is becoming more well known and seen as less of a lazy or sad thing to an actual proper illness! So what is it like for me living with this illness? Some of you may know I am a student who studies at University, but didn’t actually go to halls or even move out of home until this year, because I was too anxious about leaving home, I can’t deal with change. So I study a university degree, during the first year I attended most of my days at university, I dealt with the work, I passed. But in second-year things became harder, I couldn’t just deal with life anymore, it was too much. I spent so much time missing university because the days I would attempt to go in, I couldn’t focus or I would end up having a breakdown from being SO anxious or just feeling down. I ended up going to the doctor who would recommend me not to go to university at all and give me weeks off at a time.
There was one point at the start of the year I didn’t leave the house for an entire month, and it’s carried on like this, I’ve recently started to go out a few days and even drink with my friends which is great. But I still find myself spending a lot of my time between these four walls, and with a lot of free time on my hands, if you didn’t know the reason I started Share Love is because I had been signed off university again and had a lot of time being anxious at home and decided to make other people feel better as you never know what kind of day they are having. I like the idea of brightening someones day with a little message, even from a stranger. I feel you can find something nice to say about everyone in the entire world, if I could I would honestly send one to every single person each day but obviously that’s not possible.
Life with anxiety is hard, I can’t even walk on my own without having a panic attack, it sounds ridiculous I know that if I am to meet one of my friends my boyfriend will have to take me there and meet me after, I feel sorry for him I really do. Panic Attacks for those of you who aren’t aware feel like your whole body is shutting down, you can’t breathe despite people saying to you, breathe, it really doesn’t help. You physically and mentally cannot cope and when you’re stuck in a panic attack there is nothing to be done to stop it, it can happen at any time about anything and it sucks. The only place I seem to not suffer with them as much is inside, so I avoid the outside world altogether.
I adore Twitter, it’s my place to go. There’s always someone around ready to talk and I think that’s amazing, so thank you to those who are always there. I think it’s so weird that I get asked for advice on certain things because I by no means am any kind of role model for anyone else, I am a 20-year-old student who can’t even face university, one that can’t handle going into clubs and is scared of going out alone. Last night a lot of you may be aware after drinking with a friend I took to Twitter and shared a lot of random stuff along with a video of myself, just being jolly. Which for me is crazy, I would never ever have filmed a random video of myself and uploaded it, it would have needed to be crazily edited, re-filmed a few times and I would never have been happy with it. Crazy how that some liquid can make you into this confident person you dream of being, but I feel better for finally being able to be myself.
So what was the point in this HUGE post? To be honest, I am not even sure, and I am sorry it’s super long, I just thought I’d share with you MY experience of mental health and how I manage to deal with my life.