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I’ve gotta be honest with you guys, this year my mental health has been one of the worst it has been in my 22 years on this planet. My anxiety seems to amplified by 100 and I find each day that bit more challenging. I am forever wondering if it is because I am no longer a student and now work full time, and before that was an emotionally abusive ‘relationship’ (if you’re curious you can read more here.) Although working gives me a purpose which I never had when at university as I was stuck in a degree I hated more than anything and despite managing to complete it this year, go me! My anxiety refused to let me go to graduation, which again was a huge disappointment not only for me but for my family too. A week later I managed to get over my anxiety and pass my driving test, something I genuinely thought I was going to take the most attempts in the world to pass, but I did it on my 5th attempt, quite a few attempts for some, but I did it and that makes me proud. Everyday I suffer with the feeling that something isn’t quite right with mental health, I have been given a diagnosis of PTSD ever since I entered the world of getting help for the way I feel, however it just feels like it doesn’t feel right, like there is more yano?
I went back to the doctors a few weeks back and was put on Sertaline, my 5th type of antidepressant as usual I wonder if it will do anything at all. I suffer with these moods, these moods which can often have me feeling incredibly low, but also out of this world happy. This worries me. My doctor advised at the mental health service he has re-referred me to should be able to help me seek the correct diagnosis. I struggle like crazy some days to get up, but remember I need to go to work, my managers are super supportive which helps for sure. But I still sometimes struggle. `
I often beat myself up for the way I am, wishing I was someone else and didn’t suffer with this condition, which nobody else can see. I wish I was able to control my own moods. However I realise I can’t and until I manage to get this under control a little more I may not be able to. So there is only one thing left to do, realise it is okay, not be okay. I am coming to terms with the fact, my condition makes me feel this way, and I shouldn’t feel bad or disappointed in myself when I struggle to do things like go out with friends, do certain chores or even when it is really bad go to work. We are all human and I have to say living with a condition that controls your thoughts and feelings is a tough one. So I should keep feeling proud of how well I do manage to cope and keep staying strong.
For all of you out there who are struggling with feeling not good enough, your low moods or anything which isn’t your fault REMEMBER this, you are a badass.