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Borderline Personality Disorder, also known now as EUPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder) which to me sounds like my personality is broken. It sounds stupid as they’re both the same illness, however, borderline and emotionally unstable to me have very different meanings. It’s been around 3 months since I finally got a diagnosis after years off being fobbed off with a variety of other mental health issues such as depression and anxiety and despite having those also, I always knew it was more than that. Finally getting a diagnosis is bittersweet, finding out that there is an actual condition wrong with you and you’re not just some weird mess is a huge relief but also awful to understand this is something that may impact my life, forever. Along with BPD, I was also diagnosed with Mood Cycling (Cyclothymia) which essentially is ‘a less severe version of Bipolar with quicker changing moods’ it is currently being looked into as 3rd type of Bipolar. The reason for my diagnosis of this is along the lines of experiencing both manic and depressive mood states over a period of two years or more. For those of you who don’t know much about BPD, it is essentially not being in control of your own moods, for me I see it similar to not being able to be in control of your body temperature; you want to cool down but you don’t seem to be able to the heat just keeps getting worse.
Some of the main symptoms that I experience with Borderline Personality Disorder are things like big issues with abandonment, this is one of the ones I realised didn’t really link to any of the disorders I had looked into previously. I have forever had this HUGE weight on my shoulders that whoever I encounter will leave at some point, mostly this is true. However, the vicious thing about BPD is the fact that idea is in your head makes you act irrationally to keep that person in your life. For those who have been in my life and experienced me when I think you’re going to leave, it’s not a pretty sight. When it happens to me, it’s like I am a spectator. I am watching someone else doing it and I’m sat watching them, but in reality, it’s me. Most nights I have nightmares about my boyfriend leaving me, sometimes more than once a night and even though it was just a dream, to me it feels like reality and will put me into a state of anxiety.
Another huge one of my symptoms is the impulsive side of me, in ways I don’t even know she has come out to play but everyone around me sees this as a big deal. When asked by the doctor during my consultation if I am an impulsive person I said no. As I didn’t even think I was, however, my best friend was with me and disagreed, reminding me and the doctor of all of those times I’ve dropped copious amounts of money on new gadgets with next to no thought (new cameras, tv, and even a treadmill) as well as doing things like piercings, tattoos and dying my hair on a whim. It is impossible to talk me out of these situations, they’re in my head and there is no way out. The practically of the situations is never considered by me until it’s too late. I can often do things I later regret and luckily most of the decisions can be reversed, but what about those that can’t? I am stuck with that to due to my mania. When I get the idea, I am so happy and ready to do it, honestly, I feel like skipping, jumping and running around, it’s a surreal feeling.
From mania to feeling rock bottom the contrast is unreal, you wouldn’t believe less than 60 minutes ago I was bouncing off the walls, when I am curled up in bed thinking the world is going to end, over something usually very small, but in my head it’s the worst thing in the world. My anger can be one of my worst traits and usually, it’s over the smallest things to most people, but to me, these are huge deals, I see red usually am unable to control this. I’ve always known this is an issue, but I just thought I was a horrible person. The moods and feelings I feel to me are 10x stronger than someone who doesn’t suffer from BPD and it often feels like I am the only one who feels this way and everything seems to affect me in a greater way than the people I have around me.
My mood swings can often be very quick, so I’ll go from angry to depressed in a matter of minutes, and can often stay down for days often as a side effect of guilt from the anger. When I am ‘manic’, I will be so happy, shouting, running around, wanting to do things and then it will crash down around me and I will feel exhausted. I can have some periods of ‘normality’ which to me always feel sort of like I am in a zombie mode, I am not happy, I’m sad, I’m just not really anything. Due to my personality disorder, I am unsure who I even am anymore, which ‘me’ is the real me. I’ve recently started to take medication to help with my mood swings alongside my antidepressants and so far I’ve noticed a slight difference, the mood swings seem to be less frequent. However, I know that they could spring at any time and this worries me. Drinking is a big no-no for me, as it never ends well it always makes my moods go one way or another and neither of them is particularly good to be around. People are often annoying and horrible when they’re drunk, but this to me is amplified and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone else.
My condition shouldn’t define me, and although I feel like it does a lot of the time. I also live in hope that one day I will be able to get a better control of my condition. However, until I do, I guess this is me.
*Disclaimer, I know the photos in this post are not the best, I wanted to show the ‘real’ me.