I firstly want to start off this post with a trigger warning as this post may affect others and I in no way am promoting suicide or self-harm, I am just sharing my own story with you to raise awareness.
I remember the first time I thought about taking my own life, I was fourteen and after enough day of constant bullying at school I decided I couldn’t take it anymore, I took to the internet and looked at ways I could take my own life. I scrolled through web pages and looked for ways which were the easiest as well as the least painful. On this particular night I decided I would do something else rather than try to take my own life, something I had been reading about online for weeks and so far not had the guts to try, but everyone online said it made them feel better. Self Harm. There are so many different ways to self-harm as you probably already know, I decided to take a blade from a razor in my bathroom and took it to my wrist. It was a week before I did it again, but after that, it became something that I did on a daily basis. To me it was an addiction, and it was the only thing that helped me to keep my head above water, I’d get ridiculed all day and then go home and self-harm. I joined a website, where a lot of other people did similar things and also things and it scares me now to think how many of those are still alive as some of them did seriously dangerous things.
I was suffering with bad acne at the time, and I had no idea how to get rid of it, the doctors tried so many different things but nothing worked this made me a prime target for bullies, along with my hairy arms and the fact I found it very hard to speak to people. The people that bullied me at high school, for the jokes- they ruined everything I was. Instead of going home and chatting to my friends, I’d go online and plan where I could self harm without anyone seeing, in a new place as all of the old places were full and how deep I could go. The scary thing is that many times I am very lucky I managed to not do any serious damage as I cut very close to my veins. The self harm was a secret from everyone, except my online friends who taught me new ways to do it, about a year after I started I was told I had to take my jumper off in P.E and despite me refusing several times the teacher made me, I tried to cover my arms but there was no way, Suddenly I heard a huge gasp and someone screamed pointing at my arms, and everyone looked. My secret was out. I thought this was where it would get better, but it actually got worse, I got labelled with attention seeker and emo from them on. The older I got in school the harder it was to ignore my feelings towards myself, and I have to admit I did attempt to take my own life, I took overdoses and ended up in hospital on occasion but this didn’t stop me, it just made me more determined. I was forced to go to counselling but refused to talk and was eventually allowed to stop going.
I thought the longer I ignore it, the easier it would get. I was still self harming, having bad thoughts, and my anxiety was taking over my mind. At aged 16 I was diagnosed with depression and put on some anti-deperessants, although I saw this as a failure and started to hate myself even more. I refused to take them, and just went on as I was doing. I finally started college and met some nice people, and I felt safe for the first time in years I actually felt okay, I managed to keep my head above water, until I finally was ready to admit I needed help. It took until I was 19 to finally take the right steps into getting help, and although I have bad days and relapse I also have really good days, where I feel brave enough to fight the world. Now on the correct medication, and in therapy and along with some really good people in my life, I feel ready to tell my story.